Where is the real me?

Where is the real me?
Nikki came over to visit the kids and to also say that he'd try his luck abroad. I usually stay in my room or inside the house when Andee's and Diego's dad visit. I don't want to confuse myself anymore or stress myself out with whatever he has to say (again) in regards to his getting his act fixed, plans for the kids, or plans for us. I am angry with myself. After almost 5 years of blindly trying to move forward and trying to set a straight path..start a new life..again, it seemed I (almost) fell prey.

I still see remnants of the old me... or the 'original' me. Compasionate being, what not. You see, even if you've done a mountain of faults, a simple gesture of hope erases everything. Is there still a chance that this person, who has hurt me mentally, physically and psychologically, change for good? Deep inside, part of me believes that a person can change for the better, that there is hope, that perhaps my kids will finally grow up with their dad. But then, another part is shouting and cursing at me.. Are you out of your mind? It's clearly a complete cycle! A pattern! Didn't this happen not only once, not twice, not thrice before? How many times did I actually thought, or worse, convince myself that everything will be back in place?

When he is here, I see the new me. Someone I am not fond of. Someone I don't recognize. Someone that he made me become. I can't look at him. When he talks to me I stare out into space. My responses are merely a couple of words, a short phrase, one sentence. I can't smile or laugh at his jokes anymore. When he was 'hacked' the other week, wherever he was, by whoever addict it was, he showed a 10" long wound across his right shoulder .. I felt no emotion. What's this?!? And he has to show it to the kids! What's my responsibility then as a spouse? Honestly I don't know.

Ang kalaban ko ngayon is myself. I'm so tired. Suko na ako. I have to finish what I've started before I fall prey again. Before my old forgiving, compasionate self emerges again. Before it's too late. I needed to go on with my life. Yes behind that smile is something else. I am grateful to my friends and my brother for being there. And to those who have given me special attention... Thanks. For the attention. And making me smile.