Pssst off

Umiiksi na ang pisi ko...

After Diego's birthday, their dad called up saying that he'll take the kids out supposedly last Saturday, June 30th, which, as expected, did not materialize. Again he called up Sunday, July 1st to say that he'll be taking the kids out. I was on my way out (ZZZ musical) when he asked to talk to me and kept on questioning a lot of things. In short, this lead into an arguement. Asking questions and imposing on me as if he still has a 'say' to how I run my life got to my nerves. Then he kept on shouting, the kind where he'd make sure that whoever or wherever he is at that time would hear him clearly with what he has to say... "Ang kapal ng mukha mo...", or "Anong klaseng babae ka.." etc., etc. I kept my silence. I tried so hard not to answer back at him. What right do you have right now?!?! No support whatsoever--zero. nada. not even visiting your kids?!?!?! I might say something that might compromise the case I've took almost 2 years now to file.

Di na daw niya ilalabas ang nga bata dahil "kasalanan mo at nasira ang araw ko!!!!!" . He'd now talk to Andee and Diego letting them know that he won't take them out anymore coz 'inaway ako ng mama niyo'. He would call twice again, talking with the kids again telling them it's my fault why he's not taking them out. He'd also tell yaya about this. He'd tell the kids to tell me not to go out anymore but instead take them out because their dad says so since 'inaway ko siya'.

I never really spoken bad about him.. not with the kids especially because I don't want them to think differently of their dad. But what happened is sooo unfair. It came to the point that Diego and Andee went to me and asked why I picked a fight with their dad. Ano ba yan??! And siyempre kasalanan ko nanaman. Di ko na mapigil.. I blurted out an emotion long kept from an eight year old. "Iniwan tayo ng tatay mo mas gusto niya sa ibang pamilya!". Forgive me, baby.. I shouldn't have said that.

Now I don't know what I feel right now. I've filed the case. Part of me is saying that finally I will be able to have peace of mind, yet part of me is saying.. after this, what?

If this goes on well, then great. I would be free from him bugging me or harassing me. But there's still that need of companionship that I longed for... and a new sense of reality, so to speak. A friend once mention about how and why couples get together--- a very pretty, sexy girl and a triple-her-size, short boyfriend (when there are men who, physically would be a perfect match). A well-sought of successful bachelor, tieing the knot with a single mother of one (when there are lots of single, successful no extra-baggaged ladies). I started to wonder if there's still someone out there who would accept me as I am--- used, second-hand, with extra baggages. It's a matter of choice-- or a matter of what the heart says.

Right now, I am 'alone'.
I go out once in a while with friends to keep my sanity intact, as a favor to myself, and to keep me in touch with the world. So what difference will that make? After all these, if successful, I will still be 'alone'.
The only difference is, I will be 'free'. And I'll have my surname back.