I just don't know

It started out like an intense heat coming from my lower back going upward, and filled my back. I began to perspire and began to have chills. Then the heat reached my neck and my head. It felt like it was coming out of my ears. It (the heat) was radiating from somewhere and was escaping through my back, my nape and head. All of the sudden, something swelled inside and I felt it rising, up my back again, to my neck, then my face.. 'forcing' tears (I'm not kidding) to come out. And I was crying. There was no pain.. just heat and something that I can't explain.

This happened when I was on healthbreak at work last Friday's shift. There was again an impending blackout feeling and I had to excuse myself and ask permission to go to the clinic. The nurse on duty already knows my history of 'sent-homes' because of this inconvenience that I often encounter at work. Not a headache, but something like na-ha-highblood ka (as if I know how it is). Medical check-ups get me nowhere-- ECGs, 2d-echos (I have MVP), goiter tests, and we even suspected pre-menopausal whatever it is. They found nothing.

"Anong nararamdaman mo ngayon? Nagagalit ka ba?.... Natatakot?..... Nalulungkot?" The nurse asked me. What the?!?! "Bakit mainit? Anong ginawa mo sa akin?!?!" . I started crying again. "Why are you crying?" "I don't know!--- it just came out, ayaw tumigil!" The nurse was quiet. Then she again asked "Nalulungkot ka ba? Nagagalit?".

It was the first 15 minutes into my healthbreak. The nurse didn't know what medication to give me because she can't really zero-in on a diagnosis. She just asked me to stay put and drink plenty of water first, when she mentioned that I was the first time she saw me in a jumper skirt. Told her that I wear skirts in just 2 occassions--that is, if I have nothing else to wear, or, if my allergies act up again. She focused on my allergies--until it came to the point that I had to share my experiences before on what or why, or how I started to get the rashes (medyo 'parang di-normal' na ito for those who still don't know). "So you see them? dwarves? incubus? -----Nakikita mo ba yung nasa likod ko?" she asked me. I said no. She stood up and touch my shoulders, my back, then lower back. After she did it..everything started.

I was still crying, for no reason at all. "Nalulungkot ka ba? Nagagalit?". Sometimes it seemed that maybe she was talking to someone else and not me. "Anong nararamdaman mo ngayon?". "Anong ginawa mo? Bakit uminit pagkatapos mo akong hinawakan?" She said she doesn't know. She said she didn't do anything. "Why am I crying? Bakit ang lakas ng emotion na nararamdaman ko? Bakit sobrang init??!" "Wag mo siyang pansinin" she said. "Basta wag mong pansinin". Then she asked if I feel something hot in my stomach. I said no. And I kept on crying. "Kakalat maskara ko!!!"

I was at the clinic for an hour. And for 20 minutes or so, I was feeling this heat, the emotion.. nanginginig ako. I was perspiring. I was crying. After that, there was heat coming from my stomach. Psychological na lang ba ito? "Ok ka na" the nurse said. True enough I was fine.

Ngayon, nababagabag nanaman ako. I was 'left alone' when I was given the St. Benedict medalion for protection. Now just last week, I dreamingly remembered a figure in my room again. What's this? Is what I'm feeling at the office something supernatural? Bakit sa office lang and not at home? May mga check-ups ba dapat na I should've took? Whatever it is I don't know.

I just don't know.